My life is miserable

I figured I would have to tell my story and briefly touch down on it just to let you guys know what my background is.

Between 2001 - 2002 I went to a Christian daycare where I was badly abused. One time I gor stomped out by a kid on the back porch after I tried sitting next to him and this girl, another time the kids locked me in a shelf outside on the porch, another time the principal picked me up by the ear lobe and dropped me on the floor because I was distracted with toys during class, another time a janitor poured nerds down my throat even after I told her to stop, another time I got called all kinds of names in class after they saw my mom kiss me, and on multiple occasions I started acting up and the teacher would pick me up over her shoulder and carry me to the front desk. One time the staff lied to my dad that I said we were going to smell like cow shit when we were on a horse buggy when I really said poop so my dad spanked the hell out of me like he always did. In fact, my dad would spank me to the point that I felt I could barely breathe. and he would refuse to do anything for me. My mom and dad always got into arguments with each other in front of me. I was eventually kicked out of that daycare and went to another one where I would always get into fights with other kids there because all that experience at that previous daycare made me rough and violent. I was also violent towards my cousin. By the time I entered kindergarten between 2003 - 2004 I was bullied again by the teachers and students. I failed kindergarten and had to do it again. Also, sometime between '03 or '04 I got raped by a relative who forced me to peeform oral sex on him and on another occasion where he masturbated in front of me. But during the summer of 2004 after I finished kindergarten, my mom and dad got into their last argument before I moved out with my mom to her parents house (where I currently remain today).

Between August 2004 - December 2010 I lived my life pretty peacefully. These were the best years of my life. I was between the ages of 6 - 12 during this time.

But fastforward to January of 2011 and that was when my life went in the shitter just like it was before. My mom got knocked up to a third kid and neither me nor my other little brother took kindly to the news. At the time she was dating a gym teacher at my middle school who I really liked and shw just dumped him. Nowadays she favors this child over me and my other brother. He’ll be defiant and will try to irritate you on purpose and if you do anything back she will punish you instead. She refuses to be a parent to this hellspawn and he is now 9 years old and still acts like he’s in his terrible 2s simply because they won’t raise him right and they spoil the shit out of him. Funny enough, my mom never did this to me. When he was younger, he would have this high pitched shriek of a scream that you could hear from a mile away it was so loud. One time he screamed so much that his nose bled. Literally. He will throw shit at you, he will call you names and swear like a sailor, I could go on. As for what else happened that year, my mom lost custody over my other little half-brother (she has three different kids to three different dads) and I started the 7th grade and that was when I started getting bullied. My whole life has been downhill since and literally nothing has improved over the span of 9 years. I don’t have a driver’s permit or license, I don’t have a job, I literally don’t have any kind of freedom even as an adult.

As for some other stuff that happened from this period (2011 - present), I got committed to a psych ward after my mom told my counselor about how my behavior was changing at the time (this happened in 2013) and from there I spent 2 weeks and 6 days in a mental institution. And I had to switch schools after I was discharged. While I was there, I got bullied by other patients after I was tranquilized for crying in the hallways, then tranquilized again after I kept ringing them up during a panic attack. That second time they had to use two tranquilizers because that first time they did it they said they never saw a patient take so long for it to work. And speaking of which, after the first time when the police escorted me to my room and tranquilized me and after they left, I got up and flew into a rage. I picked up a chair amd attempted to smash the camera lens to the surveillance camera in my room. A nurse had to come into my room to calm me down so that I could go to sleep. Eventually, with all the bullying, mistreatment, anxiety (I was worried sick) and homesickness, I tried to escape by kicking the cage covering the window until two nurses escorted me into this solitary room where there was nothing but a mat on the floor and a stress toy for you to beat against the wall and I hid undernath the mattress, pulled out a sharp shard of plastic from the plastic spoon I snapped into pieces, and began cutting my wrists as hard and as fast as I could until I left four cuts on my left and one or two on my right. One of them looked red as if it were about to start bleeding but didn’t. None of the staff noticed or cared. As for my awkwardness around women, there was this Russian girl there (she was VERY rude to me), and I told her she was hot because of her ethnic background and she just made fun of me for it.

And speaking of my experiences with women, they were mostly, if not, entirely negative. I got friendzoned brutally by this one girl I e-dated, another time I got caught stalking this one girl in middle school, anothee time I tried to ask a girl out but she only asked me for my number instead of giving me hers to which she never called me, and I have countless more painful or humiliating experiences with women which is the reason I just don’t try anymore. I 'm badly mentally ill, I suffer from terrible self-neglect over the years, I have no motivation to do anything, I’ve had body dysmorphia ever since my teen years due to bullying, and my family are abusive.

So yeah, that about sums up my story about why I’m here. I cannot stop thinking about the fact I’ve never had sex, and everytime somebody mentions incels having girlfriends online, I immediately start to feel bad about myself. Someties I get intrusive thoughts rearding it and I even feel suicidal but at the same time I’m too afraid to die, but I feel compelled to do it. So I guess I just need support somewhere.

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You’re not the only one here with these sort of experiences, welcome, and hope you find peace and home :slight_smile: <3

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I feel you.

That took a lot of bravery to write. Don’t forget that there’s good people out there. It can be tough to find. Your family and immediate social circle might not be the best for you, but trust me when I say there are good people out there.

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Welcome

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